This is the greatest progression of events I have ever read, where’s my historical gay romance novel about this
KING JAMES, CAN YOU CHILL?
Local King Cannot Stop Promoting His Boyfriend
where’s the lush period drama about this series of events?
fun thing about king James, this guy was fairly public about his bf (more public than what was acceptable). He threw lots of extravagant parties with his man on his arm. It pissed off the church obviously so to get them off his back, he’s the one that ordered the third translation of the Bible from Hebrew to English (the King James Version aka the Authorized Version) so the Bible every hot blooded all American Christian reads today was literally just written so a very gay king could fuck his boyfriend in peace.
oh my god this is hilarious
“guys, guys. I know this looks kinda gay, and i promise i have a good explanation for all this, but have you considered… that jesus… is also gay? checkmate, heteros.”
FUN FACT: in hebrew, “feet” is a euphemism for genitals.
so if you ever see “washing feet” in the bible, it, uh. yeah.
(source is my old bible class textbook which i don’t have on me anymore :( )
HOLY SHIT WHAT
I MEAN CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I REMEMBER READING A STORY IN THE BIBLE WHERE JESUS CLEANED THE ‘FEET’ OF A LADY PROSTITUTE INFRONT OF HIS TWELVE DISCIPLES WHO GOT SERIOUSLY GROSSED OUT. THEM GETTING REALLY SUPER GROSSED OUT BY THAT NEVER MADE SENSE TO ME UNTIL NOW.
Time for Bible Lessons With An Ex-Fundie Because All Of This is Wrong!!
The feet-washing custom was exactly what it sounded like. You come into a house in the Roman era Middle East after walking around in your sandals and shit and your host offers to wash your feet with a bowl and a towel and some perfume if we’re REAL fancy. It was a hospitality custom.
And the story isn’t about Jesus washing the feet of a prostitute, the prostitute in the story washed Jesus’s feet while he was a guest in someone’s house. She heard he was there, got super fucking emotional (the Bible says she was repenting of her sins but I like to think that she was a super huge fan) busted in the door with a vial of incredibly expensive perfume, and cried over his feet to wash them and dumped perfume over them AND DRIED THEM WITH HER HAIR, which was over-doing it to the max but hey, I won’t judge a Middle Eastern hooker’s foot fetish if she doesn’t judge me
So the guy who was hosting Jesus (Simon, a Pharisee) was sitting there like “what the fuck” and thinking to himself “if Jesus had ANY idea who this bitch is he’d drag her crusty ass” and then Jesus, using his telepathy Jesus powers, goes
YO I HEARD THAT, SIMON
YOU NEED TO SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE WHEN I CAME INTO YOUR HOUSE YOU DIDN’T OFFER ME SHIT
NOT EVEN A MOIST TOWELETTE FOR MY FEET
AND THIS WOMAN IS A LOVELY LADY AND SHE HAS DONE BETTER BY ME THAN YOU HAVE SO SIT THE FUCK DOWN
and also that hooker wound up being the sister of Lazarus
you know, that guy Jesus raised from the dead
moral of the story: if you wash a homeless middle eastern guy’s feet with your hair and drench them in Dolce and Gabbana he’ll return the favor and resurrect your brother
where’s the part of the bible where david and jonathan make out
41 And as soon as the boy had gone, David rose from beside the stone heap and fell on his face to the ground and bowed three times. And they kissed one another and wept with one another, David weeping the most.
can’t believe 1 samuel is the oldest hurt/comfort fic in history
2) The woman beside Jesus is not an effeminate ‘John’. It is Mary the Magdalene. To sit at the right hand of Jesus was a place of great honor. Three being a number of great importance to the story of the Christ. Three is the number of Jesus’ most trusted and best of his friends (Judas, Mary and Peter).
3) Some scholars believe Jude (Judas), brother of Jesus and Judas Isocrate are one in the same… Juhas’ betrayal was in an effort to help Jesus. Not hurt him. He had hoped to push Jesus into fighting against Roman oppression, but instead Jesus did the exact opposite and went willingly as a lamb to his slaughter.[X] [X]
4) Mary the Magdalene and Jesus. The prevalent belief that Mary was a prostitute has no scholarly merit. It simply wasn’t so.
Jesus and Mary had a very deep and profound relationship that began when Jesus freed her oppressed mind. He became her everything as she left a life of wealth, giving much of it to His ministry (funding not only His, but her and her fellow Apostle’s travels). She literally worshipped at His feet, anointing them with extremely expensive ointment (spikenard) and rubbing it in with her hair.
He showed Himself to her first when He rose from the dead on the 3rd day.
In the Gnostic Gospel of Philip, Jesus kissed Mary in front of his disciples in a display of her importance that rivaled theirs.
"The companion of the Savior is Mary Magdalene. But Christ loved her more than all the disciples and used to kiss her often on her mouth. The rest of the disciples were offended by it and said to Him, ‘Why do you love her more than all of us?’ The Savior answered, ‘Why do I not love you as much as I love her?’ “
In the Gospel of Thomas you learn that they were more than just disciple and teacher or even closest of friends. Instead, they were companions/lovers. It was to her that the authority of the Church was passed.
