@ my past self: hoW ThE FUCK

okay so i was looking at my current word count on AO3 (1,874,950) and calculating how many words I need to write to break 2 million words (125,050)

and I found the post I made at the end of 2013 when my goal was 1 million

and I had to double-take at that list, because nooo that can’t be right. more than seven fics in a single month. clearly that’s some messy mathematics, right?? it’s simply not possible. so i checked my posted fics for december 2013. and january. and february. and march.

what the fuck. what the fuck i was posting once every two weeks??? or less?? there were only 3 days between Love Him in His Sleep (Love Him Always) and Understanding Your Body in Ten Easy Steps??? and only five days between Sexier Than Doctor Sexy and Nine Times We Met (And One Christmas We Parted) ???????

jesus effing christ how did i do that

every single one of those fics took days, or weeks. Love Him and Nine Times both took a full month. each. i have no clue how i managed my time so efficiently.

and it’s not like i compromised on word count or quality, either - that shit is some of my best-loved work to this date. the final chapter of Nine Times is still probably one of the most powerful things i’ve written. Love Him is my second most clicked-on fic, after Try-Something Tuesday.

so… you know how you’re only meant to compare your current self to your previous self, not other people ?

what do you do when your past self is ten times as productive

obviously this is all hugely affected by the fact i’m currently much sicker than i was in 2013, but damn. my goal for 2017 is to post one fic a month. right now i’m also looking at hitting 2 million words before the end of the year (although i could maybe say… august?). in contrast: 2015′s goal was to post once every 2 weeks… 2016′s goal was to not curl up and die.

overall i think i’m probably doing okay, given the circumstances, and compared to last year… right ??

i’ve always had a big issue with comparing myself to others - but if i can’t compare myself to myself (because it’s unreasonable at the present time), then how do i gauge improvement? i can’t even say decisively that my new work is better than my old work, since i know i write better when i’m healthy, and i am currently not healthy.

(question is, am i just worrying about this because i’m sick? when i’m healthy i just get on with shit and don’t worry)

aah

*inner wise bearded wizard steps in* i should not worry about improving and instead worry about just doing what i can do. i’ve improved in terms of addressing social issues and not being generally offensive. that’s a plus. also i’m better at making my character motivations make sense. i’m still recovering, i’ll get there in the end

@ my current self: chill

anyone else have any thoughts on this ?