i’ve probably said it before but what i love about the purgatory scene where dean and cas fight with the leviathans is that cas is so in character. he fights only when dean is harmed/in danger of getting harmed. as soon as the leviathans focus on cas, cas lets go and accepts it. he just goes with it. dean probably saw this as cas being weak and not trying- but cas wasn’t weak, as he says later. he can fight when dean’s wellbeing is at risk, but as soon as it’s about himself, he just lets go. i’m not sure if that’s in the script or if it’s just misha knowing his character really, really well at this point.
but yeah, i think about this a lot: cas wouldn’t have fought the leviathans if dean wasn’t there. he warns dean that they’re coming, fights to protect dean, and if it wasn’t for dean, cas would’ve let the leviathans kill him. it’s both brilliant and painful and we don’t talk about this enough.
I think it’s because Cas self-esteem was low at the time the purgatory scene happened. Cas said he didn’t deserve to be saved, and he was broken when he cured Sam and still felt guilty for making him that way in the first place. It was hard for him and, I think, he thought that he was not worthy, that he doesn’t believe there’s anything in this world that can keep him going and make him alive. Except keeping Dean alive. He would do anything to keep Dean safe and he does it, no matter how low he feels about himself, he still has that one purpose - to save Dean. And that’s just beautiful.
Yes that’s exactly what I’m talking about, how Cas is so selfless during purgatory (even more so than normal), and would rather die than accept he was worthy of being saved. And the fact that Dean could simply not believe/understand the idea of Cas not being worthy just… wow.
I actually think that Dean eventually realizes this, and it pisses him off.
Of course he realizes, that’s the point of their conversation when Cas shows him what really happened. That’s when Dean realizes; when Cas literally tells him. Before that, he just thinks Cas didn’t trust him, blamed himself for not being good enough for Cas. He didn’t think Cas would think like that and thus told himself he was the mistake.
However, I think he truly realizes the impact of Cas’ selflessness is when they talk in 8x08 and Cas says he’s afraid he’ll kill himself when he’s sent to heaven. Dean assumes Cas is afraid to die, afraid the angels will kill him- but he’s wrong, again. Cas isn’t afraid of how others see and perceive him, he’s afraid of his own thoughts and how they changed from powerful strong angel to self-hating angel. Cas wouldn’t be scared to die if it wasn’t for Dean (and Sam) to need him around, and even that is debatable to him.
Cas is really messed up in season 8, and it’s both very in-your-face but also very small in tiny details. He tries to become something else than himself (“I think I’mma become a hunter”), giving himself a new chance. Or even better. He’s trying to chance from himself to the people he looks up to, the people he sees as a) better than himself, b) Good and c) maybe even as the best kind of people: Sam and Dean.