tired: Aziraphale isn’t gay because he’s nonbinary
wired: Aziraphale IS gay because he’s still living in the 19th century and sees gender and sexuality as inextricably tied together
inspired: Aziraphale doesn’t know how to quantify his gayness when his partner keeps hoarding the genders and bouncing around them
Someone: Aren’t you gay?
Aziraphale, who presents masculine and uses he/him pronouns but has no particular attachment to gender, watching his spouse who is currently his wife superglue coins to the sidewalk: I have no idea how to answer that question.
If Gaiman himself knocked on my front door and told me he would add Crowley and Aziraphale saying “I love you” to Good Omens but I had to give up “You go too fast for me, Crowley” to get it, I would turn him down in a heartbeat. I know damn well which one of those lines is more romantic. I know which one of those lines is going to haunt me for y e a r s down the road. I know which line I’m going to be crying about for the next century, and it isn’t some common i love you. You can put those words in any character’s mouth, but you’ll have to pry you go too fast for me from my cold dead fingers before I give it to anyone else.
“You go too fast for me, Crowley,” is beautiful and fucking perfect and there isn’t a goddamn “I love you” in existence that can match it for feeling
That’s because I love you is a cut out!! Those are three very good words, but they are a stencil you can use on anyone!!
you go too fast for me, Crowley are you fucking kidding me, not to be dramatic but those 7 words hold 6 millennia of unrequited love and still have room left over to hold the look on Aziraphale’s face when Crowley hands him those books and the devastation of two words scribbled on a piece of paper in a park, and an entire matching-tartan thermos full of Aziraphale’s worst fear for Crowley because he won’t lose Crowley to the getting of it and he knows Crowley won’t use it on himself if Aziraphale is the one who gave it to him, because that would make it Aziraphale’s fault and Crowley wouldn’t do that to him because Crowley loves him and they both know it.
There’s only 7 words and they say I’m sorry, and I can’t yet, and I want to, and I’m not ready, this is too much for me, there are too many things I have to sort through on my end still, and you don’t have to wait for me but I hope that you can because I meant what I said about picnics and dining at the Ritz but I also meant it when I said one day. And somewhere, tucked safely into the curve of one of the e’s where Crowley will have to find it later after unpacking the rest, are the words I love you, too.
I love how we think of the same things. Look, I wrote this yesterday as an original reply to this post and then went, “no, we’ll talk about this later” and dumped in a draft:
as someone who is both asexual and who lives with severe anxiety, “you go too fast for me, Crowley,” is the best and worst line in existence. It speaks to my very soul.
You can hear the resignation in his voice when he says it. The quiet acceptance of what he thinks is going to happen.
He’s saying, “I know what you’re asking of me, what you’re offering, but I can’t yet.” He’s saying, “Yes, I want it. Yes, I have feelings for you, but they’re still new and frightening for me. I have to get used to them first, before I can do anything about them.” He’s saying, “I know I take too long. I know I’m processing too slowly for you. You want more, but I can’t give it. It’s okay if you don’t want to wait.”
Not a single person in existence asked us, but we’re both out here like, “AZIRAPHALE DOESN’T EXPECT CROWLEY TO WAIT FOR HIM 😭😭😭”
I would also like to point out that the FOLLOW UP to this conversation is that not ONLY does Crowley fucking wait for him because of course he will wait as long as Aziraphale needs, he makes sure “one day” comes true for Aziraphale. Not once, but TWICE they are seen dining at the Ritz.
Look me in my fucking eyes and tell me that Aziraphale saying “Perhaps one day we could, I don’t know, go for a picnic. Dine at the Ritz” followed by “you go too fast for me, Crowley” isn’t an EXPRESS timeline laid out for them as a couple because it fucking is. It’s 100% absolutely Aziraphale saying “I’m not ready right now, but someday when I am ready, I would like to do these things with you, if you’ll just wait for me.”
and that’s exactly what we see happen.
That is what KILLS ME.
Aziraphale tells him, in not so many words: “When I’m ready, I would like to dine at the Ritz with you.”
and then we later see them dining repeatedly at the Ritz together.
I just?? How??? does anyone?? It’s the most obvious narrative decision ever made!! And IMPORTANTLY, it’s made BEFORE the end. It’s made BEFORE they have experienced the stresses of the nonpocalypse and it’s shown to us in the first place casually, and they are both comfortable there, which implies that not only have they have done this before, they have done this often. Which means at some point we haven’t been privilege to seeing, there was a first time.
There had to have been, at some point in time between you go too fast for me and well I’ll be damned, a moment where one of them looked at the other and asked if they would like to dine at the Ritz. And either Crowley offered in a moment of bravery and Aziraphale decided that it was no longer too fast, or Aziraphale sorted out his shit and told Crowley he was ready for this by asking if he’d like to dine at the Ritz today, and honestly?? Thanks be, because I’m tired of just being TOLD people are in love, fucking show me it or get out of here, and Good Omens fucking delivered.
So yeah. You can have that exchange over my dead body.
14 stress plants™ whose dirt has absorbed so much anxiety it would send anyone who touched it to hospital
1 lectern from exact geographical location of angelic rescue, retrieved when no one was looking as bomb sirens were malfunctioning for some reason
1 table that has inspired zero (0) fantasies of being plowed vigorously upon it by any angels at all
1 throne, only incidentally covered in carved winged creatures, which was there when occupant moved in
1 bed, 6000-year-old white feather decoupaged onto headboard at owner’s request
1 pair of Vantablack sheets, obtained without the permission of artist with whom current owner is in bitter longtime dispute
1 television/1 not television, depending on the time of day
1 sculpture depicting recreational masculine sport, for fitness inspiration
0 lights
1 sketch by artist with lustful designs, whose attention needed to be diverted for very important infernal reasons
1 safe containing 1 thermos of holy water, which has remained in safe for 50 years and has never been taken out occasionally and cried over
1 copy of Extremely Big Book of Astronomy, with “Holiday with Angel?” scribbled and then crossed out and then scribbled again five times in margins of section on Alpha Centauri
1 pair of snakeskin Louboutins
5 bags of cat food for Gorgo, the neighborhood cat whose cuddling and purrs are very annoying
1 citrus juicer
This fandom. I can’t with you people. <3
important question: what does Crowley do with the gifts Gorgo brings him
He thanks him and then as soon as Gorgo leaves, he brings them back to life and sends them on their way.
The first time Aziraphale met Gorgo he was like “Oh, Crowley, oF COURse you named this POOR CREATURE after a DEMON, you with your SEDUCTIVE SERPENTINE WAYS” and Crowley had to sheepishly explain that Gorgo is actually short for Gorgonzola.
Here’s another important question though: is this post implying that Crowley is secretly Stuart Semple?
My theory: he’s not, but they’re buddies.
Crowley’s official form excuses: "promoting a grudge with all attendant ire and Wrath; egging it on to further heights; public displays of pettiness, amplified by social media; etc"
Crowley’s actual interaction, over drinks at a pub: “Listen Stu, you know what you’ve got to do, right? Don’t stand for this nonsense. Take those fantastic pigments you’ve been working on for the last decade and get them OUT there. Yeah, that “not for profit” option for watercolor sets is a great idea. And I’ve made a special study of contracts and fine print recently – let me write you a clause. *scribbling* ‘are not purchasing this item on behalf of…“ There you go.“
so like are we gonna talk about how the lenses in crowley’s sunglasses in the “I lost my best friend” scene are lighter so we could see the tears in his eyes or is it just me that’s been losing my mind over that for two months
I’m sure this has already been hc’d but if you will Allow Me:
The Fab 5 go to England. They’re on a mission from God. They find Aziraphale and Crowley, smitten and pining and fussy and afraid and ridiculous, and they know this is why they’ve been plucked out of the heart of America: to save these pathetic, middle-aged, clearly-besotted gays from themselves.
They burst into the bookshop in a flurry of Gay Drama and mics and cameras. Aziraphale, who has been determinedly putting off a customer for the past fifteen minutes, looks up and sees JVN. He freezes.
Crowley slithers out from behind a shelf and boggles. “White Jesus,” he whispers.
Jonathan tosses his hair. “In the fa-lesh!”
“I beg your pardon,” Aziraphale stammers, “who are you?”
“We’re here to deliver you from your sad, crusty old lives!” Jonathan says.
The Fab 5 get down to business. Crowley and Aziraphale are helpless to stop their onslaught. But the Fab 5 have never dealt with immortal, supernatural entities before, so they have their work cut out for them.
Bobby is determined to spruce up the bookshop, but soon realizes its cranky, fussy owner has a will the size of Mount Sinai and refuses to budge. Every book must be kept in place, not one particle of dust disturbed. Bobby’s suggestion that Aziraphale start selling eBooks to pep up business is met with glacial silence. Crowley is no less stubborn, refusing to make his flat more homey with the addition of a sofa one might actually enjoy sitting on.
“If I want to be comfortable, I’ll go to the bookshop,” Crowley says. He means to sound disdainful and can’t understand why Bobby looks so touched.
Bobby gets one concession from Aziraphale - that potted plant will bring a little color to the bookshop, yes, I suppose that isn’t such an awful suggestion. In any case, Crowley offered me one of his.
Antoni has his own struggles. He’s used to finding food that repulses him, but he’s never had to contend with someone who has no food at all. He scours Crowley’s flat from top to bottom and can’t find a crumb. Just looking at the place, you’d think Crowley never ate at all. Aziraphale is another matter - the little kitchenette above the shop is packed with sweets, cookies and cakes and chocolate-covered strawberries and, bizarrely, a plate of oysters sitting on the counter that never warms to room temperature. “You should really try to balance out your diet,” he suggests.
Aziraphale purses his lips. “I am quite content with my diet, thank you.”
Antoni shrugs off Aziraphale’s chilly attitude. The next day, disquieted by the oysters still sitting on the counter - really, they might still be cool, but that has to be unsanitary - he bins them. Aziraphale gives him the kind of murderous, eldritch-horror look that would shatter Antoni’s mind if it weren’t for the amazing ability of the human mind to scab over inexplicable horrors. Antoni spends a long time staring at the camera, horrified and not quite sure why he’s horrified.
Tan is simply confused. Aziraphale and Crowley both dress well, even if the former wears clothes about 50-100 years out of date. But he can’t pin down Crowley’s style. The non-binary leanings are great, of course, but Tan has looked and looked and he can’t identify the clothing brands. Crowley’s clothes don’t have tags. Tan has never seen them advertised anywhere. Convinced Crowley must have some obscure designer on retainer, he asks who makes them. The demon just shrugs. “I do.”
“Really!” Tan is intrigued. “I didn’t know you designed clothes. Even the shoes?”
“My what?” Crowley asks, distractedly. Then he blinks. “Oh, yeah, the… the shoes. The shoes I wear. Ssssnakeskin.”
Tan doesn’t see much to be improved in Aziraphale’s classic - if antiquated - style. But he loves a good French tuck, so he suggests that.
“French?” Aziraphale says, looking absolutely revolted. That puts Tan off right away.
Karamo hones in on the pining like a bloodhound on the scent. In the back room of the bookshop, he sits on the sofa beside Aziraphale and gets down to business. “So, I sense you have feelings for Crowley. Tell me about that.”
Aziraphale flushes a delicate shade of pink. “I– I don’t, of course. We’re friends. Well, actually, we used to be enemies, but…” And he proceeds to occupy Karamo for the next four hours with the story. Karamo is entranced and a little heartbroken by the whole thing. It’s almost as if the two have been in love since the dawn of time, and they can’t quite figure it out.
Of all the Fab 5, Jonathan is the only one who isn’t remotely fazed by Aziraphale and Crowley. He flounces around the shop, flipping through books and charming customers in a manner that is wholly antithetical to Aziraphale’s shop policy, which is to drive customers away. Aziraphale and Crowley keep their distance, because - white or not - Jonathan does bear a striking resemblance to Someone they both knew, a long time ago. When Jonathan beckons them to the chair, they are powerless to refuse.
“Let’s give this a little zhuzh, honey,” he says, running his fingers through Aziraphale’s curls. The angel sits as still as stone, feeling coddled and vaguely threatened at once. Jonathan considers his hair, chewing on his lip. “Though honestly, your hair is already gorg.”
“Thank you,” Aziraphale preens. “I have it, ah, styled by a barber once every two months.” He hasn’t grown out his hair in fifty years, but the point still stands.
“I can tell,” JVN coos. “And ohmygosh, your skin is so soft. Practically divine!”
“A-ah, yes,” Aziraphale stammers, a little afraid again. “But it’s not. Totally normal… human skin.”
Crowley fares no better. “I love your hair!” Jonathan gasps, running his fingers through it. “So fiery!”
“Ngk,” says Crowley.
“Now, I know this sounds a little risky,” Jonathan says, “but have you ever thought about growing it out? Like, long long?”
Crowley perks up. “Did that a few times, actually. One of my best looks.”
“I’ll bet! I’m sure Aziraphale was literally all over you with that look!”
Crowley goes beet-red and chokes out, “Ngkngkngk.”
Later, to the cameras, Jonathan squeals, “Ilovethembothsomuch! Oh my god!”
When the Fab 5 are about to leave, Aziraphale asks, with a little trepidation, “Who, ah, who nominated us? If I may ask?”
“Some scary lady,” Antoni says, shivering. “Though now that I think about it, we never got her name…”
“Scary but somehow super nice? If that makes sense?” Jonathan puts in. “Like, Mama Bear literally about to rip off your head, but also who loves you more than anything?”
They leave. Standing outside the bookshop, watching the camera crew disperse, Crowley murmurs to Aziraphale, “You think that was really Him? Seriously?”
Aziraphale shrugs. “Could be. That would be Her sense of humor.”
“Hmm.” Crowley scuffs a toe on the pavement. “Could I tempt you to a spot of lunch?”
