Sherlock: Episode One

SUDDENLY GUNS
Viewers: fuck where did that come from -
John: nightmares oh god
John:
John:
John: I fucking hate my life.
Therapist: Have you been writing in your therupatic diary like I told you to?
John: MY EYES AREN'T GLISTENING WITH THE GHOST OF MY PAST
Mike: hey gurl hey
John: shitit'sthatguydon'tmakeeyecontact
Mike: HEY GURL HEY
John: Ohhh hi didn't see you there -
Mike: LOL GURL SO HOW U BIN, HOW'S LIFE?
John: I'm thirty-five, single, unemployed, skint, and I've got anxiety problems of some description and a limp.
Mike: GURL THAT'S SO RAVEN
John: what
Mike: what
John:
Mike: let me hook you up, man
~MEANWHILE~
Sherlock: I love the smell of dead bodies in the morning
Molly: I love your face
Sherlock: Yes, thank you, I would like you to serve me some coffee, how thoughtful
Molly:
Molly: ok.
~UPSTAIRS~
John: What are these new fang-dangly things they didn't have them in my day
Mike: that's a computer, John
Sherlock: Mike give me your phone
Mike: Do you know how at wildlife parks and stuff they don't let you feed the animals partly so that the animals don't get reliant on being fed by humans and then stop foraging for their own food?
Sherlock:
John: use mine.
Mike: This is John Watson. havethesexwithhim.
John and Sherlock: what
Mike: what
Sherlock: -text it- Afghanistan or Iraq?
John: the fuck -
Sherlock: smoothly interrupting you to casually accept fangirl-made coffee
Sherlock: hey molly
Sherlock: thank you for offering to make me this delicious coffee
Sherlock: -sips- mnn, tangy
Sherlock: you look ugly without makeup
Molly:
Sherlock: bye
Molly: ok.
Sherlock: We should be flatmates
John: what
Sherlock: I'll meet you at the flat ok
John: what
Sherlock: Goodbye Mr Army Doctor from afghanistan
Sherlock: say hi to your alcoholic brother for me
Sherlock: nice psychosomatic limp you got there
John: WHAT
Sherlock: Sherlock Holmes, 221b Baker St, exit stage left
Mike: ain't he so raven
~LATER~
Sherlock: Check out the flat ain't it pretty don't you like it John, you must like it, I can clean up, look I'm cleaning up say you'll live with me say it
Mrs Hudson: You guys are such a cute couple
John: what, no
Lestrade: There's been a murder
Sherlock: HOORAY
Sherlock: come and see dead bodies with me, John
John: I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING BUT I THINK I LIKE IT
~CRIME SCENE~
Sally: freak
Sherlock: lol you're blowing one of the forensic team
Anderson: fuk u shercock u dick
Sherlock: i know you are i said you are but what am i
Body: pink
Sherlock: John what's your professional doctor's opinion.
John: ... yup she's dead.
Sherlock: DEDUCTING
John:
John: amazing brilliant fantastic
Sherlock: omg relyy
John: boy u mighty fine
Lestrade: I'm standing in the room still
Sherlock: lol you're all idiots I am the only one who sees the truth
Lestrade and John: what
Sherlock: laterz
~AND THEN~
Phones: ringing
security cameras: spinning
John: the fuck is this
Mycroft: hey gurl
John: the fuck are you
Mycroft: I am suggestively frightening and I'm sherlock's arch enemy, my name begins with M, can you guess who I am
John: modesty?
Mycroft: gurl I like you
Sherlock: URGENT URGENT COME HOME AT ONCE THERE IS AN URGENCY
~221B~
Sherlock: Pass me my phone.
John: you
John: you texted me to
Sherlock: and send a text please k thanks
John: Fuck you sideways, man
Sherlock: love you too
John: what
Sherlock:
Sherlock: come to dinner?
~ANGELO'S~
Angelo: you're such a cute gay couple
John: what, no
Angelo: So very cute and gay
John: no, sherlock, say something, tell him we're not gay
Angelo: I'll get some candles to set the mood to SEXY TIMES
John: NO DON'T GET CANDLES
Angelo: YOU'RE GAY
John: Why do I have an ominous feeling that this is going to happen again? Like reverse deja vu?
Sherlock: Keep an eye out for murderers 'kay
John: So er ... got a girlfriend? Or a ... boyfriend?
Sherlock:
Sherlock: uh ... John ... look, it's very flattering and all but I'm taken
John: no -
Sherlock: My work is a jealous lover
John: no - what? I don't even want to consider how a relationship with investigating dead bodies works - no, I wasn't - no - I'M NOT GAY!
Sherlock: right.
John: right.
Sherlock: okay then.
John: yes.
Sherlock: SUSPECT AT TWO O'CLOCK
~ROOFTOP CAR CHASE~
John: shit that was funny
Sherlock: I know right
Lestrade: DRUGS BUST PARTY AT 221B
Sherlock: THE FUCK IS GOING ON
John: wait drugs lol what
Sherlock: ~gaze~
John: ~gaze~
Lestrade: THERE ARE PEOPLE STANDING IN THIS ROOM
Sherlock: DEDUCTING
Mrs Hudson: TAXI
Lestrade: MOBILE
Everyone: NOISE
Sherlock: SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DICKS
Cabbie: come away with me, in the night
Sherlock: ok
~DRIVING~
Cabbie: CLEVER SHIT
Sherlock: BORING
Cabbie: pick a pill any pill
Sherlock: CLEVERER SHIT
Cabbie: pick a pill anyway
Sherlock: sounds like fun
Cabbie: SUCKER -
John: I SAVE YOU
Cabbie: /dead
Sherlock: that's so raven
~LATER~
Lestrade: tell me the things
Sherlock: look at my fucking ugly blanket
Lestrade: oh jesus
Sherlock: hai john
John: hai Sherlock
Sherlock: you saved me
John: for a minute there I thought my princess was in another castle
Sherlock: what
John: what
Mycroft: hey gurl
Sherlock: fuck off bro
John: why didn't you tell me he was your brother?
Sherlock: because he smells
Mycroft: you're so mean
Sherlock: lol John let's go get Chinese
John: ok
~BITCHIN SLOW WALK~
YEEEEAAAAHHHHHH

The fandom forecast today

Avengers: Still waiting.
Hobbit: Still waiting.
Sherlock: Still waiting.
Cabin Pressure: Still waiting.
Twilight: Still waiting.
Doctor Who: Still waiting.
WhoseLineAGanza: Still waiting.
Firefly: Crying because we'll never get more.
Supernatural: FREAKING OUT ALL OVER TUMBLR
Hunger Games: FREAKING OUT ALL OVER TUMBLR

Season 1: I'm scared to watch Supernatural because I'm worried I might have nightmares.
Now: I'm scared to watch Supernatural because I'm worried I might drown in a river of my own tears.