pangeasplits:

“Please access your data chips and open unit 2349578.9. Today our lesson is on the homo sapiens of the planet Earth. Homo sapiens, or humans, were a violent, backwards race and have been extinct for 115 cycles, or ever since their Milky Way galaxy collided with the Andromeda galaxy.

"Not much is known about them as their entire planet was annihilated, but our researchers were able to preserve scraps of data from what they called the World Wide Web from remnants of their primitive satellites. The passage we will be reading today is the only complete work of human literature known in the universe, and from it we can glean many interesting habits about this ill-fortuned race. For example, in this work, we will read an extremely detailed account of a human male considered to be physically attractive being fucked in the ass by tentacles.”