i can never go shopping with my mum again

thedeathlymarshmallows:

we were browsing in a bookshop and i drifted to the other side of the store and left my mum to her own devices for like five seconds and i turn around to glance back at her only to find her picking up fifty shades of grey from a shelf

the thing you need to know about my mum is she’s not like all the other mum’s who have bought and read the book. she is quaint and innocent and doesn’t even know what smut or raunch means. she thinks sex before marriage is a no-no and she has a fit when she sees guys with their trousers down so low their boxers show

i’m pretty sure my birth was a miraculous conception

so just imagine my horror for a second as i see her open the book, blissfully unaware of the contents

imagine, if you will, a nineteen year old literally hurling herself across the store, shrieking “MUM NO” with an arm outstretched ready to punch the book forcefully out of her hands

passersby are shoved out of the way, indignant retorts are made, but the nineteen year old doesn’t care because she’s got to move so fast she makes the speed of light her bitch otherwise her mum is going to read about christian piledriving the shit out of anastasia

but the nineteen year old doesn’t quite make it

her mum lets out a horrified gasp and exclaims ‘NIPPLES?!’

other people glance over their shoulders, notice the book in her grasp and shake their heads in disapproval

the nineteen year old comes to a stand still, everything seems to go in slow motion as she watches her mum turn to look at her, confusion and shock written all over her face as she whispers, again,

……’nipples?’

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